Wednesday, May 25, 2011

more shrooms

Ok. a precursor. I am on shrooms.

So far it seems like i reverted to my childhood state of mind while still being able to maintain the capacity to analyze it from an outside perspective. I am able to see life for what it is. No purpose. What is the real purpose of life other than to stay alive. This was my feeling of when I was a child, about the age of 5-12. This typically became of my mental state during summer break where there were no expected things to come of me. I was able to release my mind from the constraints of my schooling and was free to do whatever I wished. Which typically entailed staying at my grandmother's house watching television for hours on end. No outside interaction other than the constant yelling for my grandma whenever I wanted a drink or something to eat. This obviously is not a proper way to live, yet I clearly lived it in my childhood.

So as I lay here, during my adulthood summer break and a break from the workweek, I remember the feeling of no real caring for the future. A slight desire for change, but not finding the actual willpower to break free from my bubble or my invisible comfort zone that retains me so well. Even now I am stuck here, and it is only because of the mushrooms am I able to analyze my life from an outside perspective. Only because of the shrooms can I see that I need to change my life from what it is. But to what? Is there something better I could be achieving? Is there something worth the effort? I lay here, no real responsibilities. Useless. I understand my uselessness now since I couldn't as a child. But now, will I do anything about it? Or will the thought of too much work involved for such a task repel my thoughts? Please someone help me. I have made change since I was a child, but even now, it remains good, but tell me, can it be better? Should I be working harder to maintain this happiness? Or for this happiness, nothing can be done as it is just for this moment and I should bask in it. I am growing older. And I am afraid.

I think to the idea of what is a proper childhood. Is there such a thing? Where someone can have the perfect experiences as to mold them in the future into become a well developed, had working individual. What events are necessary to gain the perfect traits for our reality? What are the perfect traits that we seek? Ability to get along with everyone (extroversion), can maintain family relationships well, is academically smart, is physically strong, creative, good looking, Why can we or even I be this? The world is full of imperfections. I see this everyday. What is perfect? We understand beauty when we see it, but given the lack of visuals, must understand it rarity. The common man appears much more often. Is he not the idea of perfection we seek since he appears so often. Yet we can point out his flaws. Is our understanding of his flaws only applicable to our time? Would his flaws be considered beauty in another age?

Where is my mind? Am I losing it not just for the side effect of the mushrooms but even the thought of wanting the mushrooms in the beginning? Why do I wish to do such things to myself? I understand this consumption shows no ill effects other than a change in state of mind, but it is understood that such things are not desirable to all. So why the decision on my part? Am I that unhappy with reality do I choose an escape from it all? My reality is not that bad, yet compared to others it may be. At the same time, it could be understood that it could be worse. Why can I not just be happy in my place?

I hope I may make sense, at least to some. It is through connections with others are we able to valid our thoughts.

I can get whatever I want because I work. Through my wages am I able to purchase any amount of pleasure I so seek. Yet there are still restraints to what I may buy or do. Whether it be for my health, or my responsibilities. From this idea, my personality grows.

I must sleep.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Running on shrooms

Oh man, I just had a fantastic experience. But I need to write a little background info before I can tell of my experience. I started to grow mushrooms or more specifically psilocybe cubensis since I wanted to experience them. I had a couple good trips so far, with the one before this one being a largely profound glimpse into reality. Well, I was doing some pruning since some of the mushrooms weren't growing properly. I had a small bag of these malformed shrooms and they weren't really worthy of being dehydrated. So since I had a some free time, I decided to eat them. Now since I did shrooms less than 5 days prior, I kinda wasn't feeling any affects from the shrooms I just ingested. Yea I was calm and I could see waves, but it wasn't like the previous trip where I questioned what it means to be alive and human. Well around 7:30 my stepdad came home. Since we had previously made plans to go for a jog, he came to my room and invited me to go. Me, being somewhat high on shrooms, said no, but I decidedly changed my mind since I felt like I had some energy and can't get enough of exercising.

 So off we went. Immediately I noticed a change in perspective than when I usually run. It was as if I was watching a movie from a first-person perspective of a jogger. My step-dad likes to run in the nature preserve by our house. That coupled with it turning dusk made the "movie" so much more enjoyable. I seemed to be disconnected from my body. I subconsciously realized it was just a machine and my brain was truly. My "machine body" could be treated as any machine and pushed hard to perform however I so pleased. I "sensed" my tiredness, but it didn't effect my will to continue running. I ran and conversed with my stepdad for the entire time. I continuously exclaimed of my large amounts of energy and whenever I got a chance, demonstrated it by running ahead of him at full speed until an intersection. (I would have continued running if I had known where to go next). He seemed to have noticed my increased amount of energy, and while I am not sure, he seemed to test me whether I was truly energized by running longer than the predetermined time of 20 mins. He went down different paths and back through ones we just ran. But of course I was not faking. My body was just a machine, and my brain, the controller, could push it to seemingly no limits. We eventually stopped running once we got to the lookout. He told me that we had been running for about 36 mins. The longest I ever ran before, but I still had energy. I told him that I was going to continue running to the baseball park and I'll return home afterwards. I invited him to join, but he declined.  So off I went running to the park. I never imagined in my life that I could do such a thing. Run for such a long period without feeling the effects of exhaustion. I ran to the park, thinking the entire time that any moment now would be the one where I could no longer continue to run. But I got to the park without fail. I past by it and before me faced a daunting hill. I was only able to run halfway before I realized my body was giving out. So I stopped to run for a minute, going up about a little more than halfway up the hill before I continued to run some more. I ran all the way back home, even passing the point where I typically stopped. I felt like I could run forever. I got to my house and it took some will power to convince myself to halt and walk a few steps to cool down.

Once at home, I still did not feel the effects of exhaustion. The only indicator I may be tired was this odd sense of lightheadness; however I could still grit through it with minimal concentration. My mind was still feeling the effects of the shrooms, even as I sat down to eat dinner. Even now, as I type this. I don't completely know if it is the shrooms, or the lightheadedness that is making feel a bit different. However, I feel so alert and energized. Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight for tomorrow I had to go to work. My shrooms are the medicine of gods. No other gift of mother earth could open your mind to the truth of the world or give you the power to run for miles. I wonder what would happen if I took shrooms before going to lift weights.

A thought for another day.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Well I haven't posted in awhile. Partly due to me having finals and just allowing myself to gradually rest. I cut back from doing many things, to almost nothing at all other than work and exercise. It has been a good couple of weeks since classes stopped. Went on vacation with my lovely gf to Hilton Head, NC. She has never been allowed to sleep a night with me alone since her family is strictly traditional, but somehow they warmed up to me and gave her permission to go on this trip. It was wonderful too. I never slept with her overnight, so it was a real experience for me. I never slept with anyone overnight before either. It feels great to fall asleep to someone you love, then wake up the next morning with them beside you. This got my really thinking of working extra hours to save up money for an apartment for the two of us. Nothing would make me happier than for her to be around me constantly.

So I've been pretty much been bumming around other than for work. I took some ASE test before we went on vacation. Supposedly if I pass, I am eligible for a promotion and a significant raise. I feel that I performed well on the test, but I won't know until about a month. Until then, I'll just be wasting my life around relaxing and feeling genuinely happy doing nothing.

One thing I've been noticing is that my step-dad seems to have some grudge against me. Either that or life is just getting him down and he lashes out at anyone. While he doesn't have a temper or argues, he does seem to have a short fuse and small things anger him. Really it hasn't been bad or anything. I just wonder why and what things he is being bothered by.

Another thing that is getting me is what dictates my behavior and other people's behavior. There are so many factors that make up our identity, and some of these we have no control over. Everyone might share some of these factors, yet we don't all share the same. I know for me that testosterone plays a large part in my personality. This explains the constant yearning for exercising and the extremely high libido. While this is me, I rather it not be. My girlfriend doesn't share the same libido, and as a matter of fact, hers is much lower than average. So this doesn't seem to work out well for the both of us. Of course this leads to my having to make sacrifices on the amount of sex I want versus how much I actually have. I mind, but not terribly much. I learned to work around this of course, but I am beginning to tire of this state of mind. It affects my everyday life and my interactions with people. I have trouble understanding someone's personality through my interaction with them since sex is the only thing on my mind. This is how it feels at times. I rather be more witty and cunning, but, seemingly due to testosterone, my thoughts are only focused in one path. Of course, this isn't exactly how my interaction with different people occurs. It is just a predominant and reoccurring event. It is something large enough to warrant concern.  So my solution to fixing this is to forcibly limit my physical and mental state through use of willpower. If I get horny and I am alone, I won't try to masturbate. I am horny and with my gf, I will gauge her feelings for at least 10 minutes, before I decide to pursue her into bed. If all goes well with my limiting of my libido, it should lower and no longer dictate my thought processes. Hopefully from there, I will develop a better personality that I can be proud of.