Ok, I am going mad. There is so much shit that is bothering me and I just want it to either get better or go away. Jesus christ! it is all running through my mind and I don't even know where to begin. I'll backtrack to help me better to analyze this later. Phuong was overly obsessed, concerned, focused, and committed to watching V that she was being inconsiderate of others again. While I was trying to complete my hw, my mother had asked her to move the vehicle, yet (while i wasnt there) PL had to have made some sort of gesture indicating that she didn't want to. My mother then said, "I was going to ask Russell, but hes doing his hw." What bothers me is that PL is right there and my mother can very well ask her instead of me, but has this bias against males and always wishes upon them to do more work. If I refused, she would get upset with me, yet when PL refuses, she only smiles and does nothing. Such a hypocrite. So that is one issues. Another is that PL, knowingly aware that I am doing my hw, does not consider my wellbeing enough to go and move the car. She could easily help me out by doing some of the work my mother so conveniently wishes to force onto me, but no, she is too much concerned with the damn show. So there I am, doing my hw, overhearing this take place. I'm trying to focus on this since I am already falling behind on Japanese. I don't know how I got this C and even thinking about it frustrates me. I CAN NOT GET LESS THAN A B. This stupid prerequisite is hurting me badly. The dumb choice I made to learn japanese is also hurting me. I loved the language and was sooo fasinated by the culture, but this class has just made me cynical and uncaring of anything japanese. I wouldn't mind the difficulty if my teacher didn't assign soooo much homework. I wish she didn't place so much emphasis on doing things perfect. We are trying to learn a language for our enjoyment. She is taking the fun out of it and just making us hate it. This is why people who finished this course no longer remember the language. Because they are fed up with it. And now here I am, so many priorities and things to do. I need to prepare for two classes and at the same time continue working on my business idea. I need to get this up and running so I won't be a failure. This is the most opportune time to accomplish my idea due to the various amounts of support I can get from the school. I wish I could just work on it nonstop, but at the same time I am afraid of that inability to maintain working on it for long periods. I want to relax and not focus so much on specific tasks, but I have this internal conflict that tells me that this is my purpose and that I have to do it. Nothing seems to come easy for me. Life is just one big struggle. The good thing is I don't think I mind the struggle too much in this field.

So I made PL cry today because I was holding her back from leaving. I did that because I was so angry on her inconsiderate nature and I needed to know why she continues to act in that manner. I want her to see the errors of her ways, yet I know that holding her back and blocking her path is not the correct way to handle it. It is just that when there is a problem, I need to immediately solve it so I can feel good again. If not, I just simmer in the frustration of having to continuously think about it. I can't just let things go.  I know other people have no trouble with letting things go. This inability of mine presents a character of being needy to other people. To me though, it seems like the only way to prevent this is to not care. I can not stop caring. It is not my nature. It eats away at me and the longer I do nothing, the stronger my urges get in wanting to fix the problem. I hate this about myself since other people are not the same, yet I see the benefits in this.

I was supposed to put gas in PL's car today.
I am supposed to begin work on the study guide for global issues.
I am suppose to begin writing my topic proposal.
I need to look into those internship opportunities that my teachers sent me.
I need to study more for japanese and prepare for every test/quiz/exam that comes forward.
I need to get more manufacturers on my list and begin preparing a generic email to send to the mfgs. so they can accept me as a buyer.
I need to begin thinking of a website structure and what functionality i need in it.
I need to clean my room.
I need to buy Pl's present.

I feel like I am going crazy because of the things I have to do. Not so much that it is alot of things, because really it is only a little. It is just the amount of effort to accomplish the tasks and in the amount of time I want to finish them. Time is too short, and even shorter due to my several things: my necessity of having 10 hours of sleep, my inability to maintain continuous focus on work for long periods of time, my  useless need to want to do fun things. I could think of more but it is getting late now and I should sleep to get at least 9 hours before tomorrow. I wish I had adequate help in life from a partner.

Ok, obviously it has been awhile since I last posted here, and my counselor said it would be good to type out what may be on my mind. So many things, even within the last week, have happened. Even now I feel exhausted to reality. This might be due to me just finishing PT, or it might be a culmination of everything. One thing is for certain, I did get too overwhelmed Monday and I did snap. Well, not just Monday, but also Saturday after work. I just couldn't deal with everything. It seemed like the rude and obnoxious customers and my car breaking down on me just tipped me over the edge. That amount of rage is scary. It seems so hard to control, but thank god Eric came in time to calm me down. I never really saw me be that enraged before. That run and walk really helped me. And not to mention it helped to further strengthened the bond between me and Eric. I was fine Sunday, but sadly, what we did to calm me down on Saturday didn't fix the ever apparent problems. I snapped before going to school on Monday. I just felt overwhelmed with life and didn't want to do anything. At first, PL didn't realize that my insisting for her help was legitimate. It was only until I started to cry did she realize the extent of my problems. Shes a bit more understanding now, and realizing that I can no longer have to be as focused on her problems. She even took the measures to help us out financially. I can't believe she found a job that quickly. Well, I'm getting tired of feeling like this. I don't know what it is. Might be a general dislike for doing anything that holds responsibility. Sadly again, I'm forced to do these things so my future will be stable and well-off. That thing is ROTC. But now it is taking much of my time and I am not doing so well in my academic studies. This is all due to the upcoming field training which all 200s and 250s in ROTC are preparing for. I need to a slot to participate and continue on my military career. If I don't, I'll have to figure out a new career plan. This is something I really don't want to do. But, now ROTC is interfering too much with my classes at GSU. I have three classes, each of which have different priorities in my mind. Japanese being the highest, Global Urbanization is second, and Global Issues is last. I spend more time doing my Japanese studies than the others. I barely spend any time preparing for Global Urbanization, and even less for Global Issues. Well, just recently I missed a  important exam for Global Issues because I wanted to go home to do something I wanted. I never get time for myself, and I thought that this time would be fine. I thought it would do me good to relax a little. Well, I seemed to have been wrong. That and a combination of other things. General confusion over the syllabus dates and irresponsibility on my part for keeping track of things. I somehow managed to get the professor to allow me to take the exam the next day, but he only allowed me to get a maximum score of a B. Well, I didn't study for this exam since I didn't prioritize the class, and I don't have the book. The exam is worth 15% of my overall grade. I made an 11.7. That is all my fault, but I can't help think back to certain situations in class, when I first attended, how there was a little conflict between us. Nothing major, but enough to make me look unfavorable within his eyes. This isn't a good thing and could cause any kind of leniency that he allows others, to not be given to me. On the test, one of the last questions is a opinion based type of question. Unless you stretched your imagination greatly, I couldn't imagine you getting it wrong. This type of question is either right or wrong base on the professor's opinion. I can't imagine my answers to be that wrong. So now I am suspecting that him grading my test was somewhat bias. I'm going to ask for a copy of my exam so I can see his grading. I need to approach this in a way that doesn't exacerbate any tension between us. I must pass this class with at least as B so my parent's money isn't wasted in vain and my GPA doesn't lower.

So this is where I am at. I'm reevaluating my priorities so that I don't completely screw up in school. I'm going to have to change the time spent on ROTC related things. I already told my boss that I can only work one day a week. Good thing I don't have to worry about finances since PL is also going to work. This puts a little bit of stress off of me. But now I seem to have gotten to a point where I am tired of doing anything. I don't want to study. I am tired of putting effort into ROTC. Especially considering there might be a chance that I don't get a Field Training slot. I don't care about any of my classes. I just want a break from everything. Sometimes I think that this isn't much and I might be making too much of a big deal about this. I don't really know. But I know for certain that I am tired of all of this. Is all this suffering worth what will come at the end?

In the previous session with Kevin, he showed me the results of the small questionnaire that I took prior to getting assigned a counselor. It stated that, in comparisons to my peers and overall emotions, I was primarily depressed. This came as shock to me since I never considered myself to be depressed. When he told me, I felt like crying. I don't know whether that was from the sadness from hearing my father's news on the prognosis of his cancer, or if it was that someone broke some barrier that I put up. Since that day I've been trying to explain it. The best explanation I could come up with is that I just might possibly be depressed. I can best describe it in an example. If someone is not told what something is, does he truly know it exists. Of course, this can't be applied to objects we encounter in everyday life. But this can be applied to emotions. I knew depression existed, but the basic definition that I deduced from life didn't include the feelings I felt. When I was alone and secluded, I did not know there was a better life out there. I didn't know that my state that I lived in was depressing. During that time I was angry. I didn't know where the anger was stemming from, and I concluded at that time that it came from my hatred for the negative state of humanity. Now I can see that it came from that condition I lived in. This would make sense to why I didn't feel feelings of sadness. The feelings of sadness are there to let us know that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. I never got those, only feelings of anger. The same thing can be seen now, where I was beginning to be angry. It wasn't only until Kevin revealed that I may be depressed did the feelings of sadness began to emerge. After I allowed it to flow, did I begin to feel much better. So of course it is a good thing. But, life doesn't fix that easily. My problems still exist and continue to torment me and stress me. So, i eagerly await some advice on what to do. Until then I push forward hoping I don't break again or much worse, damage myself irreparably in some way. 

Uncertainty

I am uncertain the way I handle or do things are correct. Much less for things I already have skill in such as the areas that use the technical and analytical side of my brain. When situations arise that require those areas, I feel more confident in my ability to do/handle it properly, such as when I am working on a vehicle. Although, the confidence level differs depending on whether the vehicle is of someone I am close to. I rather not work on someone I do not know very well because I fear that I may mess something up and cause them to not be able to drive to either work or whatever responsibilities they hold. I don't want to be responsible for something of great importance like that. Even though I may be entirely capable of handling such situation, my fear holds me back from accepting such responsibilities. So I fear responsibility, and I lack self assurance. Because of this, I do not have enough confidence in many of life obstacles.

So this is what I've been feeling lately. I think this is the base of all my faults and problems. Everything else stems from here. I am glad that I wrote this blog. I can catalog each of the problems that arise. I wonder if it would be a good idea to show this to the counselor I will be seeing. I'll remember to ask this when I do meet with one. Of course that fear of allowing someone to get to close and having them know my deepest secrets scares me. Trust is the one thing I can't give away freely. This world is horrible and there are horrible people out there who will take advantage of such things. I can give it away in moderation, but I can never give 100% of it to someone. No one has 100% of my trust. No one knows 100% about me. This is for the best. So what I think I might do is just give snippets of my blog to the counselor. Edit it to suit my lack of trust for others. But, this still paints a false picture of my true self. And if they do not know who I am completely, can they help me? But the question that remains is do I truly need help? I think what I will do is gauge the techniques they use and determine several things. If they can be trusted and to what level. If they can really help me 100% or rather assist in a lesser way.


Time to eat, then go to work. This is my life. I hope I chose well.