So a couple of thing happened since my last post. They were good things, yet the process to get to them was somewhat difficult. It was my girlfriends birthday so we brought over some of her friends (only 2 since we don't like large groups) and just chilled at my house. It was honestly fun. Me and the girls did some crafts and played some games. Anyways, it was about a day after when the girlfriend and I were coming home. I was explaining I wanted to try rabbit and she got offended. I unwisely said I said it to make her angry, which wasn't the truth. I tend to not think in situations like that, so I said something stupid. She got angry and said she was going home. I started to get somewhat frustrated that she was leaving for something as insignificant as this, but I walked away and she drove off. That only bothered me more that she actually drove off. I was expecting that she was kidding and would get out of the car, but she didn't. I angrily called her up and told her to come back. She eventually did, and of course I just kept on bitching at her. She got upset and started acting maniacal. I tried to keep her from leaving thinking she would not go home, but rather go off somewhere. Except............................



Ok the moral of this long story is that I had to take a long hard look at whether I wanted to remain with PL. I eventually realized that she was my soul mate since I have never been or met anyone as compatible she is with me. We get each other. I can spend majority of my time around her and feel absolutely comfortable.  She is my best friend. I had the hardest time seeing this since she never was my friend nor did we date around before fucking. We kinda just jumped into the boyfriend-girlfriend thing and I got blindsighted by it. It was a moment when we were laying in bed with my contemplating the future of possibly not being with her, when she said that she will forever be my friend no matter what. That moment was when I finally saw her for who she truly was, my best friend.



So now its the end of classes. Projects are due and finals are looming. Stress, stress, stress. I pretty much want to not care and just do it as it comes. I might study, but my procrastination trait is on overdrive. Got tickets to six flags this friday. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Ok, time for more bitching. I've been getting more stressed out lately. As of this moment, the stress is because of my poor performance on my translation test in Japanese and the possible further lowering of my overall grade. We have a large amount of work to complete constantly. There are no usual breaks from this. Not to mention the amount of things we have to memorize in addition to the homework. This class takes up majority of my time and after 2 years, it has become a nuisance. Right now I'm trying to complete an annotated bibliography that is due in an hour. I somewhat started working on it earlier, but leaving it to the last minute is just a testament to how much senoritis has taken over. I ought to be doing this earlier but I am increasingly not caring of the things I have to do. I'm really beginning to not care about anything. I just want to live and not be forced to do anything because I have to survive, or need the money, or is required to graduate. I find no joy in most things anymore and it just keeps ending up like this.

What I think I really need is a good friend, but those are so hard to find nowadays. Not just a good friend either, but someone who actually relates to me completely. I have a good friend, but we don't have that much in common. I have another friend who is somewhat of person who hates on everyone. I don't need that type now.

 I really want to find the joy in life again, but it really is hard with the large amount of responsibility I have. The funny thing is it isn't that much when you consider how much responsibility others have in comparison. It makes me look like a spoiled college student who doesn't know better. I really need to toughen up and just do it. Who cares if it stresses me out. The thing is that whenever I'm pushing myself mentally, my perspective gets dizzy. I get lightheaded and can't think clearly. I wonder if last night's drinking had anything to do with it, or the pot. I rather not stop smoking since its the only thing that brings me happiness now, but I know that mentality is bad since it breeds addiction.


Crap, going on a tangent again. I need a good friend who lives near me. I want to experience another kind of life. The ones I have now bore me or just don't interest me. Now the question is how to make a good friend and how to keep them interested enough so I can learn from them.


I'm a fucking whiner

Lets see. We need a recap from the last post. I somehow managed to find my passion in life. My life's experiences all made sense after that week. It just seemed that that week was the one where I finally understood who I was and what I am supposed to do. It started with getting that book from my counselor and actually reading it. It was Man's Search of Meaning by Frankl Viktor. I have never read a more insightful book that was so profound for its size. Essentially, it is a book about extentialism and Dr. Viktor's methods for treating a man's extentialistic crisis through his technique he calls logotheraphy. The book is divided into two parts: the beginning being a recount of his experiences as a jew in a concentration camp. The second is a brief explanation of logotheraphy and how it can be applied in a psychological, or even life, environment. It explained almost exactly what I have been going through and provided me with the idea how to find my meaning. The second event that was the beginning of my epiphany was meeting with the career counselor and having him analyze my Myers-Briggs test. I had no idea that there was such an in depth test that could effectively summarize who you are. Talking with the counselor about the results didn't at that time make me realize what it is I wanted to do. But it did get my right at the edge. The tipping point was when I left the counselors office and went to the College of Business a couple of blocks down to see if someone there could assist me in constructing a business plan. The feeling I had discussing what my intentions were and the response I got from the person was shocking. They were so attentive to me and it seemed like my charisma talking about my intention for starting a business moved them. She seemed to have been completely convinced that I was capable of this and showed no qualms otherwise. I got all this from her body movements and how she interacted with me. That moment got me thinking and as I was going home with PL, it happened. My realization that I knew what my meaning, my passion was. It was to run my own business. My life finally came to light in my eyes and I saw who I truly was. Why I had so many interests in life, yet never pursued them intently. It was because I only cared enough to learn how they operated on a bigger picture so I could ultimately find a way for them to make me money. My entire life was a beautifully constructed road that led me to this, even though I did not actively know where it was taking me.

So thats where I am now. I am working on getting this business running on the side while I try to finish college. At the same time, I'm trying to get a promotion at work so I can get more money coming in to finance my new endeavor. I haven't given up on trying to get an internship, yet its on the back burner since it is of the lowest priority. I have things to do that I haven't found the time for in regards to my business. Somehow, sometimes I feel like I'm procrastinating since I am afraid of failure. I need to contact those manufacturers to get prices and begin getting some products. I need to get prices on a domain, an e-commerce site, and whatever else that might be required for the website. Life is good now. I know my struggle is not in vain.