Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Lets see. We need a recap from the last post. I somehow managed to find my passion in life. My life's experiences all made sense after that week. It just seemed that that week was the one where I finally understood who I was and what I am supposed to do. It started with getting that book from my counselor and actually reading it. It was Man's Search of Meaning by Frankl Viktor. I have never read a more insightful book that was so profound for its size. Essentially, it is a book about extentialism and Dr. Viktor's methods for treating a man's extentialistic crisis through his technique he calls logotheraphy. The book is divided into two parts: the beginning being a recount of his experiences as a jew in a concentration camp. The second is a brief explanation of logotheraphy and how it can be applied in a psychological, or even life, environment. It explained almost exactly what I have been going through and provided me with the idea how to find my meaning. The second event that was the beginning of my epiphany was meeting with the career counselor and having him analyze my Myers-Briggs test. I had no idea that there was such an in depth test that could effectively summarize who you are. Talking with the counselor about the results didn't at that time make me realize what it is I wanted to do. But it did get my right at the edge. The tipping point was when I left the counselors office and went to the College of Business a couple of blocks down to see if someone there could assist me in constructing a business plan. The feeling I had discussing what my intentions were and the response I got from the person was shocking. They were so attentive to me and it seemed like my charisma talking about my intention for starting a business moved them. She seemed to have been completely convinced that I was capable of this and showed no qualms otherwise. I got all this from her body movements and how she interacted with me. That moment got me thinking and as I was going home with PL, it happened. My realization that I knew what my meaning, my passion was. It was to run my own business. My life finally came to light in my eyes and I saw who I truly was. Why I had so many interests in life, yet never pursued them intently. It was because I only cared enough to learn how they operated on a bigger picture so I could ultimately find a way for them to make me money. My entire life was a beautifully constructed road that led me to this, even though I did not actively know where it was taking me.

So thats where I am now. I am working on getting this business running on the side while I try to finish college. At the same time, I'm trying to get a promotion at work so I can get more money coming in to finance my new endeavor. I haven't given up on trying to get an internship, yet its on the back burner since it is of the lowest priority. I have things to do that I haven't found the time for in regards to my business. Somehow, sometimes I feel like I'm procrastinating since I am afraid of failure. I need to contact those manufacturers to get prices and begin getting some products. I need to get prices on a domain, an e-commerce site, and whatever else that might be required for the website. Life is good now. I know my struggle is not in vain.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Ok, I am going mad. There is so much shit that is bothering me and I just want it to either get better or go away. Jesus christ! it is all running through my mind and I don't even know where to begin. I'll backtrack to help me better to analyze this later. Phuong was overly obsessed, concerned, focused, and committed to watching V that she was being inconsiderate of others again. While I was trying to complete my hw, my mother had asked her to move the vehicle, yet (while i wasnt there) PL had to have made some sort of gesture indicating that she didn't want to. My mother then said, "I was going to ask Russell, but hes doing his hw." What bothers me is that PL is right there and my mother can very well ask her instead of me, but has this bias against males and always wishes upon them to do more work. If I refused, she would get upset with me, yet when PL refuses, she only smiles and does nothing. Such a hypocrite. So that is one issues. Another is that PL, knowingly aware that I am doing my hw, does not consider my wellbeing enough to go and move the car. She could easily help me out by doing some of the work my mother so conveniently wishes to force onto me, but no, she is too much concerned with the damn show. So there I am, doing my hw, overhearing this take place. I'm trying to focus on this since I am already falling behind on Japanese. I don't know how I got this C and even thinking about it frustrates me. I CAN NOT GET LESS THAN A B. This stupid prerequisite is hurting me badly. The dumb choice I made to learn japanese is also hurting me. I loved the language and was sooo fasinated by the culture, but this class has just made me cynical and uncaring of anything japanese. I wouldn't mind the difficulty if my teacher didn't assign soooo much homework. I wish she didn't place so much emphasis on doing things perfect. We are trying to learn a language for our enjoyment. She is taking the fun out of it and just making us hate it. This is why people who finished this course no longer remember the language. Because they are fed up with it. And now here I am, so many priorities and things to do. I need to prepare for two classes and at the same time continue working on my business idea. I need to get this up and running so I won't be a failure. This is the most opportune time to accomplish my idea due to the various amounts of support I can get from the school. I wish I could just work on it nonstop, but at the same time I am afraid of that inability to maintain working on it for long periods. I want to relax and not focus so much on specific tasks, but I have this internal conflict that tells me that this is my purpose and that I have to do it. Nothing seems to come easy for me. Life is just one big struggle. The good thing is I don't think I mind the struggle too much in this field.

So I made PL cry today because I was holding her back from leaving. I did that because I was so angry on her inconsiderate nature and I needed to know why she continues to act in that manner. I want her to see the errors of her ways, yet I know that holding her back and blocking her path is not the correct way to handle it. It is just that when there is a problem, I need to immediately solve it so I can feel good again. If not, I just simmer in the frustration of having to continuously think about it. I can't just let things go.  I know other people have no trouble with letting things go. This inability of mine presents a character of being needy to other people. To me though, it seems like the only way to prevent this is to not care. I can not stop caring. It is not my nature. It eats away at me and the longer I do nothing, the stronger my urges get in wanting to fix the problem. I hate this about myself since other people are not the same, yet I see the benefits in this.

I was supposed to put gas in PL's car today.
I am supposed to begin work on the study guide for global issues.
I am suppose to begin writing my topic proposal.
I need to look into those internship opportunities that my teachers sent me.
I need to study more for japanese and prepare for every test/quiz/exam that comes forward.
I need to get more manufacturers on my list and begin preparing a generic email to send to the mfgs. so they can accept me as a buyer.
I need to begin thinking of a website structure and what functionality i need in it.
I need to clean my room.
I need to buy Pl's present.

I feel like I am going crazy because of the things I have to do. Not so much that it is alot of things, because really it is only a little. It is just the amount of effort to accomplish the tasks and in the amount of time I want to finish them. Time is too short, and even shorter due to my several things: my necessity of having 10 hours of sleep, my inability to maintain continuous focus on work for long periods of time, my  useless need to want to do fun things. I could think of more but it is getting late now and I should sleep to get at least 9 hours before tomorrow. I wish I had adequate help in life from a partner.