Wednesday, April 13, 2011

So a couple of thing happened since my last post. They were good things, yet the process to get to them was somewhat difficult. It was my girlfriends birthday so we brought over some of her friends (only 2 since we don't like large groups) and just chilled at my house. It was honestly fun. Me and the girls did some crafts and played some games. Anyways, it was about a day after when the girlfriend and I were coming home. I was explaining I wanted to try rabbit and she got offended. I unwisely said I said it to make her angry, which wasn't the truth. I tend to not think in situations like that, so I said something stupid. She got angry and said she was going home. I started to get somewhat frustrated that she was leaving for something as insignificant as this, but I walked away and she drove off. That only bothered me more that she actually drove off. I was expecting that she was kidding and would get out of the car, but she didn't. I angrily called her up and told her to come back. She eventually did, and of course I just kept on bitching at her. She got upset and started acting maniacal. I tried to keep her from leaving thinking she would not go home, but rather go off somewhere. Except............................

Ok the moral of this long story is that I had to take a long hard look at whether I wanted to remain with PL. I eventually realized that she was my soul mate since I have never been or met anyone as compatible she is with me. We get each other. I can spend majority of my time around her and feel absolutely comfortable.  She is my best friend. I had the hardest time seeing this since she never was my friend nor did we date around before fucking. We kinda just jumped into the boyfriend-girlfriend thing and I got blindsighted by it. It was a moment when we were laying in bed with my contemplating the future of possibly not being with her, when she said that she will forever be my friend no matter what. That moment was when I finally saw her for who she truly was, my best friend.

So now its the end of classes. Projects are due and finals are looming. Stress, stress, stress. I pretty much want to not care and just do it as it comes. I might study, but my procrastination trait is on overdrive. Got tickets to six flags this friday. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Ok, time for more bitching. I've been getting more stressed out lately. As of this moment, the stress is because of my poor performance on my translation test in Japanese and the possible further lowering of my overall grade. We have a large amount of work to complete constantly. There are no usual breaks from this. Not to mention the amount of things we have to memorize in addition to the homework. This class takes up majority of my time and after 2 years, it has become a nuisance. Right now I'm trying to complete an annotated bibliography that is due in an hour. I somewhat started working on it earlier, but leaving it to the last minute is just a testament to how much senoritis has taken over. I ought to be doing this earlier but I am increasingly not caring of the things I have to do. I'm really beginning to not care about anything. I just want to live and not be forced to do anything because I have to survive, or need the money, or is required to graduate. I find no joy in most things anymore and it just keeps ending up like this.

What I think I really need is a good friend, but those are so hard to find nowadays. Not just a good friend either, but someone who actually relates to me completely. I have a good friend, but we don't have that much in common. I have another friend who is somewhat of person who hates on everyone. I don't need that type now.

 I really want to find the joy in life again, but it really is hard with the large amount of responsibility I have. The funny thing is it isn't that much when you consider how much responsibility others have in comparison. It makes me look like a spoiled college student who doesn't know better. I really need to toughen up and just do it. Who cares if it stresses me out. The thing is that whenever I'm pushing myself mentally, my perspective gets dizzy. I get lightheaded and can't think clearly. I wonder if last night's drinking had anything to do with it, or the pot. I rather not stop smoking since its the only thing that brings me happiness now, but I know that mentality is bad since it breeds addiction.

Crap, going on a tangent again. I need a good friend who lives near me. I want to experience another kind of life. The ones I have now bore me or just don't interest me. Now the question is how to make a good friend and how to keep them interested enough so I can learn from them.

I'm a fucking whiner