Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Ok, its been awhile since i last posted something. The most cliche thing to say,  I know. I don't want to give up this since I know it can be a good thing.. I just finished explaining to her that I want to do this, and I want no attempts by her to search for my personal medium to vent. I think she understood, but not without trying to make me feel guilty for reading her old diary and teasing her about it. I do feel bad, and I think the reason I did read it and not respect her personal boundaries was because I was a bit immature. I've grown immensely since I've met her, and since the past 5 years. I really associate the beginning of my "ascension" into my gradual adulthood since my experience at Nicaragua.

And That 70s Show completely took my focus and I've forgotten completely what my MO was on writing this. I remember having an epiphany while taking a piss on what would be the right mentality on having in order to "feel" more like an adult. You know, being more motivated in doing hard work, maintaining a more mature composure around others, and possibly being wittier.  I not sure what to blame for my lack of attentiveness and forgetfulness. Possibly the pot, possibly being raised in front of the television. Whatever it is, it did me wrong, and I am only beginning to learn the extent of the damage done to my being.

Well this is what has been bothering me lately. I am 23 years old. I still live at home. I still go to university as an undergraduate while others at my age have graduated already or have been graduated for  a couple of years. I don't hold any responsibilities at my job, nor am i or have been in a more prestigious position. I am unable to do jobs that require more, a la apex parts. Here I am, laying in her pink room. Not a fat ass (thank god I exercise, at least I'm not completely pathetic). But still, lazy and incompetent. Time for food, ill write more after.

Ok, I'm back. It was delicious although it was the rice based bread thing that I don't really like. It's the texture and the odd subtle taste it has. But, my hunger overran my taste buds, so everything turned out better than expected. Her grandma also cooked something new, it was a fish type of stir-fry or something similar to that. The taste reminded me of Chinese food and I commented on how well it would go with rice. Apparently thats what is supposed to supplement it. Now that we got that useless experience out of the way (I'm not saying eating is useless, but rather trying to explain what I ate just for the reason of transitioning my absence into this new block of text.) I told her that I was going to forgo masturbation as long as possible in order to test that it might increase my "time" in bed. Since the beginning of our relationship, I've substantially decreased in time the amount I can last. I have ideas to why may be the reason behind it, but to be honest, I don't have a clue. I was thinking that I last longer as long as I have the passion to back it up, and as a relationship progresses, you lose passion to compassion. While that is necessary in maintaining a good, healthy relationship. It isn't good on my behalf, because I lose interest in sex. I lost interest because seeing them naked is no longer a mystery combined with excitement. I no longer try my hardest to maximize their pleasure. Rather, I'm more and more seeing it as a small event that I do in order to get rid of the lingering feelings of arousal.

Note to self, go back and proofread everything. (yes its alot to read, but when you read back on this sometime in the future, you don't want to feel bad about your past for being illiterate and ungrammatical.)

So I took a break to read that small section on my insecurities on our sexlife, and she responded that it isn't a big deal and I should let it go. I suppose i'll try. Just thought of something. I've tried hard for awhile now to improve my vocabulary and my writing skills. I've come along way, but I still feel as if I haven't reached the point of perfection or at least academic perfection with my research papers. I have come along way from my earliest papers, but I still am not there yet. After about 2 years of writing, I still lack something. I attribute it to missing areas in my vocabulary, writer's block mixed with A.D.D., and small grammatical errors. But, I've come to a realization that my writing ability now is absolutely great for blogs or something of that sort. In my mind, writing for blogs is somewhere between complex research papers and the easier high school essay. It feels good to be able to measure and find areas I can apply my newfound writing skills. Every once in awhile, she lets me know how she misses the excepts of my life that I used to write in Livejournal. I have to admit too, they were interesting, yet full of those errors I explained earlier, but in a much worse fashion than this. I've become more relaxed in writing here, I don't find it hard to let it flow. I wish I would be like this in real life interaction with others. God how I hate blanking and not finding things to say. That awkward silence kills me. I know I am witty, or at least its buried in there somewhere. Deep in there. I'm trying to find ways for it to come out more so to speak. I guess I found a good medium for just that. BLOOGGGGING!!!! I have her to thank for introducing this website and the act of blogging to me. Thank you. Now lets hope I can maintain this ability to live within the moment and respond successfully and (i dare say) witty to my families questions and statements. I'm going to take a break now. Bye for now.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

First Post

It is 1:30 in the morning now. I was unable to sleep since I had to many things racing through my mind. It always seems as if I can't stop my brain from thinking of something. I literally have to clam myself and think of a "happy place" where my mind can be at ease in order for me to fall asleep. To be honest, I didn't try that technique this time since I wanted to type out what I was feeling for many reasons. Primarily so I could have a record of them, so others could possible read them, and I thought it might help me feel more relaxed. This pretty much was the result of a number of times, but the main encompassing factor is my disdain for others. I know that what I am about to type will sound extremely goth, dark, pessimistic or whatever other unacceptable category society places. In no way do I associate with those things, although I possibly do have a pessimistic view on things at times. My stepfather called me an existentialist when I was describing a situation where I felt extreme disdain for actions by individuals and the situations that life presented him. He also said I was empathic but saw the world in an existentialistic point of view.  I completely forgot what philosophical theory that referred to. It seems funny since usually when I have an interest in something and I don't know about it or have forgotten, I would google it and do a little research so I can be a little informed on it. It brings me joy to read up on random facts and understand a little bit more of the unknown world. Too bad there is no job out there that pays for such a thing. But even if there was,  I would refuse to do the work since I hate when I HAVE to do things. I rather just do them if I feel like it. I don't know if that is disdain or just lethargy.

1:39 A.M.

It took me 9 minutes to write that. I had to fix some spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. Although I bet there are more. Well onto the reason I decided to write this. Her. I rather not write (type?) her name. She has "mad stalking skills" and could easily find this if I leave enough clues.  I'm trying to be as anonymous as possible (I am sooooo surprised I spelled 'anonymous' right on my first try since I had so much trouble with that word when I was younger). She would be hurt to see the things I wrote about her. The unfiltered remarks/thoughts/emotions I have toward her. But they are my true feelings and I have to release them somehow. I don't know if it is the recent events of a counselor or the internet telling me that 'what I have been going through' is a heavy weight to carry and 'I need to talk to someone about it' since they said so or rather that it is becoming too much to bear and I really do need to talk about it. Whatever the reason may be, I am here taking the first step hoping that it will allow me to understand myself more, calm me down and allow me to be happy. And I am not saying 'calm me down' as if I am angry. To be honest, (I am saying to be honest alot) I am not angry. I feel a sort of disdain (another word I keep using) for her. I am not certain if I love her, but I am sure that without her, the crippling, frightening, insanity-making loneliness will come. I do not want that under any circumstances.

1:49 A.M.
Ha! I keep looking at the time every 10 minutes. I wonder if that is the same reason I always seem to notice 11:11 or 1:11. My biological clock knows when its that. I really hope its not related to ghosts or something bad, like someone scheming against me. I really hope its nothing or something good. Anyways back to the subject. Her. So far I established that I need her to combat loneliness. Selfish? Possibly. I don't care if it is. Another reason I need her is fear of growing old with someone ugly or just not pleasant to look at. Why does this matter to me? I've seen so many instances of people I know living with their significant other who does not look good at all. Shallow? Possibly again. But once again I don't care. I see those people, and I get this feeling that they are unhappy. Unhappy with the person they chose to be with. Unhappy with their life because they have to look at this person constantly. I want to grow old and have something pleasant to look at. But a problem as been arising lately. I know she is pretty, but I don't find her attractive. I don't get the same pleasure I used to get from seeing her naked. Its not to that its completely gone, because its not. When I feel aroused, I do get pleasure from seeing her naked, but it only lasts for a little. The last time we had sex, I was horny and aroused by her, but it lasted a little. I wonder if that is the reason for my not being able to last longer anymore. Is it I just don't care subconsciously anymore? Is it that me seeing her constantly took away my ability to last? Would I be able to last with someone I've never seen naked before? I don't know.

1:56 A.M.
Ok I guess my biological clock isn't 100% accurate. It would explain me not always seeing 11:11 for each time it appears. Or that no one is thinking of me at that moment. But, if that was the case, then someone is thinking of me at the same time different days? Unlikely. Hmmm what is my fear? My fear is being inadequate Not smart, weak, ugly, etc. I do things to help me succeed in those areas, but I don't feel like I am actively doing them or rather not doing them with great effort.. I exercise, but I haven't exercised since about 2 weeks ago. Plus I feel like I am going no where. Sure, I have gotten bigger and stronger since i weighed about 125lbs. But, for the length of time I have been exercising, other have gotten much stronger and bigger. I am doing something wrong. And it discourages me. What is the point? No matter how much I exercise, others will be stronger. No matter how much I exercise, am i destined to be this small or weak. No to mention I have to exercise FOREVER in order to maintain it. Even if I stop for a week, I feel so much weaker and skinnier. And I exercise for my looks, which also helps with my confidence. No exercising for a week and I get a decreased confidence. I really want to look good. I want girls to swoon and flirt with me just because of my looks. I get satisfaction knowing a girl likes me because of how I look. Now, that doesn't mean thats the only thing I want a girl to like about me. I also want them to love me because of who I am. On how I can keep their attention or relate to them. I want to be the most witty, charming, kind person ever. But, in social situations, I feel like I come out dull and boring. Not to mention the lack of conversation that comes from women that I associate with my lack of looks. I feel like they would WANT to talk to me if I looked good, and yet they don't thus  I don't look good. And of course this goes away at times when I see my picture, or when some females do flirt with me. I know it can be related to how some find some attractive. Not everyone might find me attractive,  in the same way that I don't find some attractive. But I feel like the numbers who refuse to talk to me are much much greater than those who do. MUCH MUCH GREATER. I had to emphasize there. I wonder if she feel asleep. I'm getting tired myself. I think ill write more later. For now my brain isn't thinking anymore. Too bad, while I was laying there it was thinking of some really ingenious things. My articulation is going out the window now too. I better stop before I start sounding like a cave man. Me (insert my name here). Me angry. Me tired. Me write funny things. Ok good night.

2:11 A.M.