Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Ok, I am going mad. There is so much shit that is bothering me and I just want it to either get better or go away. Jesus christ! it is all running through my mind and I don't even know where to begin. I'll backtrack to help me better to analyze this later. Phuong was overly obsessed, concerned, focused, and committed to watching V that she was being inconsiderate of others again. While I was trying to complete my hw, my mother had asked her to move the vehicle, yet (while i wasnt there) PL had to have made some sort of gesture indicating that she didn't want to. My mother then said, "I was going to ask Russell, but hes doing his hw." What bothers me is that PL is right there and my mother can very well ask her instead of me, but has this bias against males and always wishes upon them to do more work. If I refused, she would get upset with me, yet when PL refuses, she only smiles and does nothing. Such a hypocrite. So that is one issues. Another is that PL, knowingly aware that I am doing my hw, does not consider my wellbeing enough to go and move the car. She could easily help me out by doing some of the work my mother so conveniently wishes to force onto me, but no, she is too much concerned with the damn show. So there I am, doing my hw, overhearing this take place. I'm trying to focus on this since I am already falling behind on Japanese. I don't know how I got this C and even thinking about it frustrates me. I CAN NOT GET LESS THAN A B. This stupid prerequisite is hurting me badly. The dumb choice I made to learn japanese is also hurting me. I loved the language and was sooo fasinated by the culture, but this class has just made me cynical and uncaring of anything japanese. I wouldn't mind the difficulty if my teacher didn't assign soooo much homework. I wish she didn't place so much emphasis on doing things perfect. We are trying to learn a language for our enjoyment. She is taking the fun out of it and just making us hate it. This is why people who finished this course no longer remember the language. Because they are fed up with it. And now here I am, so many priorities and things to do. I need to prepare for two classes and at the same time continue working on my business idea. I need to get this up and running so I won't be a failure. This is the most opportune time to accomplish my idea due to the various amounts of support I can get from the school. I wish I could just work on it nonstop, but at the same time I am afraid of that inability to maintain working on it for long periods. I want to relax and not focus so much on specific tasks, but I have this internal conflict that tells me that this is my purpose and that I have to do it. Nothing seems to come easy for me. Life is just one big struggle. The good thing is I don't think I mind the struggle too much in this field.

So I made PL cry today because I was holding her back from leaving. I did that because I was so angry on her inconsiderate nature and I needed to know why she continues to act in that manner. I want her to see the errors of her ways, yet I know that holding her back and blocking her path is not the correct way to handle it. It is just that when there is a problem, I need to immediately solve it so I can feel good again. If not, I just simmer in the frustration of having to continuously think about it. I can't just let things go.  I know other people have no trouble with letting things go. This inability of mine presents a character of being needy to other people. To me though, it seems like the only way to prevent this is to not care. I can not stop caring. It is not my nature. It eats away at me and the longer I do nothing, the stronger my urges get in wanting to fix the problem. I hate this about myself since other people are not the same, yet I see the benefits in this.

I was supposed to put gas in PL's car today.
I am supposed to begin work on the study guide for global issues.
I am suppose to begin writing my topic proposal.
I need to look into those internship opportunities that my teachers sent me.
I need to study more for japanese and prepare for every test/quiz/exam that comes forward.
I need to get more manufacturers on my list and begin preparing a generic email to send to the mfgs. so they can accept me as a buyer.
I need to begin thinking of a website structure and what functionality i need in it.
I need to clean my room.
I need to buy Pl's present.

I feel like I am going crazy because of the things I have to do. Not so much that it is alot of things, because really it is only a little. It is just the amount of effort to accomplish the tasks and in the amount of time I want to finish them. Time is too short, and even shorter due to my several things: my necessity of having 10 hours of sleep, my inability to maintain continuous focus on work for long periods of time, my  useless need to want to do fun things. I could think of more but it is getting late now and I should sleep to get at least 9 hours before tomorrow. I wish I had adequate help in life from a partner.


  1. There'll be better days man, just got to find a good outlet for all the stress and work your way through it all.

  2. you should chill out and do nothing for a some time

  3. life is basically one big suckfest with minute rays of hope shining through the festering morass. good luck i guess.

  4. We all go a little crazy, just some more than others.

  5. What Asty and Jarosz said. Take a break for a bit and just unwind, then come back with a structured plan for how you wantn to tackle each issue you're facing right now. Just list small, easily achievable goals. You can only eat an elephant one bite at a time.

  6. Sounds like you need a vacation O_O

  7. Keep pushing through man, one of these days you'll find things will finally click and you'll be set until the end of your days. as said above, setting up a plan will really be vital to you. Also try knocking 2 hours off your sleep schedule and replace it with 30 minutes of exercise an hour and a half before bed. It will help you slip into REM sleep sooner and help you fall asleep if you're having trouble due to stress.

    But yeah, don't just give up. When you look back on your life, you want to be proud not only of where you got to, but also how you got there.

  8. take deep breaths and keep pushing through. you'll make it through!

  9. Don't be mad bro. Get a vacation and that fixes everything. ^^