Wednesday, May 25, 2011

more shrooms

Ok. a precursor. I am on shrooms.

So far it seems like i reverted to my childhood state of mind while still being able to maintain the capacity to analyze it from an outside perspective. I am able to see life for what it is. No purpose. What is the real purpose of life other than to stay alive. This was my feeling of when I was a child, about the age of 5-12. This typically became of my mental state during summer break where there were no expected things to come of me. I was able to release my mind from the constraints of my schooling and was free to do whatever I wished. Which typically entailed staying at my grandmother's house watching television for hours on end. No outside interaction other than the constant yelling for my grandma whenever I wanted a drink or something to eat. This obviously is not a proper way to live, yet I clearly lived it in my childhood.

So as I lay here, during my adulthood summer break and a break from the workweek, I remember the feeling of no real caring for the future. A slight desire for change, but not finding the actual willpower to break free from my bubble or my invisible comfort zone that retains me so well. Even now I am stuck here, and it is only because of the mushrooms am I able to analyze my life from an outside perspective. Only because of the shrooms can I see that I need to change my life from what it is. But to what? Is there something better I could be achieving? Is there something worth the effort? I lay here, no real responsibilities. Useless. I understand my uselessness now since I couldn't as a child. But now, will I do anything about it? Or will the thought of too much work involved for such a task repel my thoughts? Please someone help me. I have made change since I was a child, but even now, it remains good, but tell me, can it be better? Should I be working harder to maintain this happiness? Or for this happiness, nothing can be done as it is just for this moment and I should bask in it. I am growing older. And I am afraid.

I think to the idea of what is a proper childhood. Is there such a thing? Where someone can have the perfect experiences as to mold them in the future into become a well developed, had working individual. What events are necessary to gain the perfect traits for our reality? What are the perfect traits that we seek? Ability to get along with everyone (extroversion), can maintain family relationships well, is academically smart, is physically strong, creative, good looking, Why can we or even I be this? The world is full of imperfections. I see this everyday. What is perfect? We understand beauty when we see it, but given the lack of visuals, must understand it rarity. The common man appears much more often. Is he not the idea of perfection we seek since he appears so often. Yet we can point out his flaws. Is our understanding of his flaws only applicable to our time? Would his flaws be considered beauty in another age?

Where is my mind? Am I losing it not just for the side effect of the mushrooms but even the thought of wanting the mushrooms in the beginning? Why do I wish to do such things to myself? I understand this consumption shows no ill effects other than a change in state of mind, but it is understood that such things are not desirable to all. So why the decision on my part? Am I that unhappy with reality do I choose an escape from it all? My reality is not that bad, yet compared to others it may be. At the same time, it could be understood that it could be worse. Why can I not just be happy in my place?

I hope I may make sense, at least to some. It is through connections with others are we able to valid our thoughts.

I can get whatever I want because I work. Through my wages am I able to purchase any amount of pleasure I so seek. Yet there are still restraints to what I may buy or do. Whether it be for my health, or my responsibilities. From this idea, my personality grows.

I must sleep.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Running on shrooms

Oh man, I just had a fantastic experience. But I need to write a little background info before I can tell of my experience. I started to grow mushrooms or more specifically psilocybe cubensis since I wanted to experience them. I had a couple good trips so far, with the one before this one being a largely profound glimpse into reality. Well, I was doing some pruning since some of the mushrooms weren't growing properly. I had a small bag of these malformed shrooms and they weren't really worthy of being dehydrated. So since I had a some free time, I decided to eat them. Now since I did shrooms less than 5 days prior, I kinda wasn't feeling any affects from the shrooms I just ingested. Yea I was calm and I could see waves, but it wasn't like the previous trip where I questioned what it means to be alive and human. Well around 7:30 my stepdad came home. Since we had previously made plans to go for a jog, he came to my room and invited me to go. Me, being somewhat high on shrooms, said no, but I decidedly changed my mind since I felt like I had some energy and can't get enough of exercising.

 So off we went. Immediately I noticed a change in perspective than when I usually run. It was as if I was watching a movie from a first-person perspective of a jogger. My step-dad likes to run in the nature preserve by our house. That coupled with it turning dusk made the "movie" so much more enjoyable. I seemed to be disconnected from my body. I subconsciously realized it was just a machine and my brain was truly. My "machine body" could be treated as any machine and pushed hard to perform however I so pleased. I "sensed" my tiredness, but it didn't effect my will to continue running. I ran and conversed with my stepdad for the entire time. I continuously exclaimed of my large amounts of energy and whenever I got a chance, demonstrated it by running ahead of him at full speed until an intersection. (I would have continued running if I had known where to go next). He seemed to have noticed my increased amount of energy, and while I am not sure, he seemed to test me whether I was truly energized by running longer than the predetermined time of 20 mins. He went down different paths and back through ones we just ran. But of course I was not faking. My body was just a machine, and my brain, the controller, could push it to seemingly no limits. We eventually stopped running once we got to the lookout. He told me that we had been running for about 36 mins. The longest I ever ran before, but I still had energy. I told him that I was going to continue running to the baseball park and I'll return home afterwards. I invited him to join, but he declined.  So off I went running to the park. I never imagined in my life that I could do such a thing. Run for such a long period without feeling the effects of exhaustion. I ran to the park, thinking the entire time that any moment now would be the one where I could no longer continue to run. But I got to the park without fail. I past by it and before me faced a daunting hill. I was only able to run halfway before I realized my body was giving out. So I stopped to run for a minute, going up about a little more than halfway up the hill before I continued to run some more. I ran all the way back home, even passing the point where I typically stopped. I felt like I could run forever. I got to my house and it took some will power to convince myself to halt and walk a few steps to cool down.

Once at home, I still did not feel the effects of exhaustion. The only indicator I may be tired was this odd sense of lightheadness; however I could still grit through it with minimal concentration. My mind was still feeling the effects of the shrooms, even as I sat down to eat dinner. Even now, as I type this. I don't completely know if it is the shrooms, or the lightheadedness that is making feel a bit different. However, I feel so alert and energized. Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight for tomorrow I had to go to work. My shrooms are the medicine of gods. No other gift of mother earth could open your mind to the truth of the world or give you the power to run for miles. I wonder what would happen if I took shrooms before going to lift weights.

A thought for another day.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Well I haven't posted in awhile. Partly due to me having finals and just allowing myself to gradually rest. I cut back from doing many things, to almost nothing at all other than work and exercise. It has been a good couple of weeks since classes stopped. Went on vacation with my lovely gf to Hilton Head, NC. She has never been allowed to sleep a night with me alone since her family is strictly traditional, but somehow they warmed up to me and gave her permission to go on this trip. It was wonderful too. I never slept with her overnight, so it was a real experience for me. I never slept with anyone overnight before either. It feels great to fall asleep to someone you love, then wake up the next morning with them beside you. This got my really thinking of working extra hours to save up money for an apartment for the two of us. Nothing would make me happier than for her to be around me constantly.

So I've been pretty much been bumming around other than for work. I took some ASE test before we went on vacation. Supposedly if I pass, I am eligible for a promotion and a significant raise. I feel that I performed well on the test, but I won't know until about a month. Until then, I'll just be wasting my life around relaxing and feeling genuinely happy doing nothing.

One thing I've been noticing is that my step-dad seems to have some grudge against me. Either that or life is just getting him down and he lashes out at anyone. While he doesn't have a temper or argues, he does seem to have a short fuse and small things anger him. Really it hasn't been bad or anything. I just wonder why and what things he is being bothered by.

Another thing that is getting me is what dictates my behavior and other people's behavior. There are so many factors that make up our identity, and some of these we have no control over. Everyone might share some of these factors, yet we don't all share the same. I know for me that testosterone plays a large part in my personality. This explains the constant yearning for exercising and the extremely high libido. While this is me, I rather it not be. My girlfriend doesn't share the same libido, and as a matter of fact, hers is much lower than average. So this doesn't seem to work out well for the both of us. Of course this leads to my having to make sacrifices on the amount of sex I want versus how much I actually have. I mind, but not terribly much. I learned to work around this of course, but I am beginning to tire of this state of mind. It affects my everyday life and my interactions with people. I have trouble understanding someone's personality through my interaction with them since sex is the only thing on my mind. This is how it feels at times. I rather be more witty and cunning, but, seemingly due to testosterone, my thoughts are only focused in one path. Of course, this isn't exactly how my interaction with different people occurs. It is just a predominant and reoccurring event. It is something large enough to warrant concern.  So my solution to fixing this is to forcibly limit my physical and mental state through use of willpower. If I get horny and I am alone, I won't try to masturbate. I am horny and with my gf, I will gauge her feelings for at least 10 minutes, before I decide to pursue her into bed. If all goes well with my limiting of my libido, it should lower and no longer dictate my thought processes. Hopefully from there, I will develop a better personality that I can be proud of.

Monday, May 2, 2011

This blog has been compromised by the rabbit. I can no longer post here. Repeat: This blog has been compromised. The information is no longer secure. There are eyes watching every post.

On a side note: We caught OSAMA! AMERIKUH FUCK YAH!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

So a couple of thing happened since my last post. They were good things, yet the process to get to them was somewhat difficult. It was my girlfriends birthday so we brought over some of her friends (only 2 since we don't like large groups) and just chilled at my house. It was honestly fun. Me and the girls did some crafts and played some games. Anyways, it was about a day after when the girlfriend and I were coming home. I was explaining I wanted to try rabbit and she got offended. I unwisely said I said it to make her angry, which wasn't the truth. I tend to not think in situations like that, so I said something stupid. She got angry and said she was going home. I started to get somewhat frustrated that she was leaving for something as insignificant as this, but I walked away and she drove off. That only bothered me more that she actually drove off. I was expecting that she was kidding and would get out of the car, but she didn't. I angrily called her up and told her to come back. She eventually did, and of course I just kept on bitching at her. She got upset and started acting maniacal. I tried to keep her from leaving thinking she would not go home, but rather go off somewhere. Except............................

Ok the moral of this long story is that I had to take a long hard look at whether I wanted to remain with PL. I eventually realized that she was my soul mate since I have never been or met anyone as compatible she is with me. We get each other. I can spend majority of my time around her and feel absolutely comfortable.  She is my best friend. I had the hardest time seeing this since she never was my friend nor did we date around before fucking. We kinda just jumped into the boyfriend-girlfriend thing and I got blindsighted by it. It was a moment when we were laying in bed with my contemplating the future of possibly not being with her, when she said that she will forever be my friend no matter what. That moment was when I finally saw her for who she truly was, my best friend.

So now its the end of classes. Projects are due and finals are looming. Stress, stress, stress. I pretty much want to not care and just do it as it comes. I might study, but my procrastination trait is on overdrive. Got tickets to six flags this friday. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Ok, time for more bitching. I've been getting more stressed out lately. As of this moment, the stress is because of my poor performance on my translation test in Japanese and the possible further lowering of my overall grade. We have a large amount of work to complete constantly. There are no usual breaks from this. Not to mention the amount of things we have to memorize in addition to the homework. This class takes up majority of my time and after 2 years, it has become a nuisance. Right now I'm trying to complete an annotated bibliography that is due in an hour. I somewhat started working on it earlier, but leaving it to the last minute is just a testament to how much senoritis has taken over. I ought to be doing this earlier but I am increasingly not caring of the things I have to do. I'm really beginning to not care about anything. I just want to live and not be forced to do anything because I have to survive, or need the money, or is required to graduate. I find no joy in most things anymore and it just keeps ending up like this.

What I think I really need is a good friend, but those are so hard to find nowadays. Not just a good friend either, but someone who actually relates to me completely. I have a good friend, but we don't have that much in common. I have another friend who is somewhat of person who hates on everyone. I don't need that type now.

 I really want to find the joy in life again, but it really is hard with the large amount of responsibility I have. The funny thing is it isn't that much when you consider how much responsibility others have in comparison. It makes me look like a spoiled college student who doesn't know better. I really need to toughen up and just do it. Who cares if it stresses me out. The thing is that whenever I'm pushing myself mentally, my perspective gets dizzy. I get lightheaded and can't think clearly. I wonder if last night's drinking had anything to do with it, or the pot. I rather not stop smoking since its the only thing that brings me happiness now, but I know that mentality is bad since it breeds addiction.

Crap, going on a tangent again. I need a good friend who lives near me. I want to experience another kind of life. The ones I have now bore me or just don't interest me. Now the question is how to make a good friend and how to keep them interested enough so I can learn from them.

I'm a fucking whiner

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Lets see. We need a recap from the last post. I somehow managed to find my passion in life. My life's experiences all made sense after that week. It just seemed that that week was the one where I finally understood who I was and what I am supposed to do. It started with getting that book from my counselor and actually reading it. It was Man's Search of Meaning by Frankl Viktor. I have never read a more insightful book that was so profound for its size. Essentially, it is a book about extentialism and Dr. Viktor's methods for treating a man's extentialistic crisis through his technique he calls logotheraphy. The book is divided into two parts: the beginning being a recount of his experiences as a jew in a concentration camp. The second is a brief explanation of logotheraphy and how it can be applied in a psychological, or even life, environment. It explained almost exactly what I have been going through and provided me with the idea how to find my meaning. The second event that was the beginning of my epiphany was meeting with the career counselor and having him analyze my Myers-Briggs test. I had no idea that there was such an in depth test that could effectively summarize who you are. Talking with the counselor about the results didn't at that time make me realize what it is I wanted to do. But it did get my right at the edge. The tipping point was when I left the counselors office and went to the College of Business a couple of blocks down to see if someone there could assist me in constructing a business plan. The feeling I had discussing what my intentions were and the response I got from the person was shocking. They were so attentive to me and it seemed like my charisma talking about my intention for starting a business moved them. She seemed to have been completely convinced that I was capable of this and showed no qualms otherwise. I got all this from her body movements and how she interacted with me. That moment got me thinking and as I was going home with PL, it happened. My realization that I knew what my meaning, my passion was. It was to run my own business. My life finally came to light in my eyes and I saw who I truly was. Why I had so many interests in life, yet never pursued them intently. It was because I only cared enough to learn how they operated on a bigger picture so I could ultimately find a way for them to make me money. My entire life was a beautifully constructed road that led me to this, even though I did not actively know where it was taking me.

So thats where I am now. I am working on getting this business running on the side while I try to finish college. At the same time, I'm trying to get a promotion at work so I can get more money coming in to finance my new endeavor. I haven't given up on trying to get an internship, yet its on the back burner since it is of the lowest priority. I have things to do that I haven't found the time for in regards to my business. Somehow, sometimes I feel like I'm procrastinating since I am afraid of failure. I need to contact those manufacturers to get prices and begin getting some products. I need to get prices on a domain, an e-commerce site, and whatever else that might be required for the website. Life is good now. I know my struggle is not in vain.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Ok, I am going mad. There is so much shit that is bothering me and I just want it to either get better or go away. Jesus christ! it is all running through my mind and I don't even know where to begin. I'll backtrack to help me better to analyze this later. Phuong was overly obsessed, concerned, focused, and committed to watching V that she was being inconsiderate of others again. While I was trying to complete my hw, my mother had asked her to move the vehicle, yet (while i wasnt there) PL had to have made some sort of gesture indicating that she didn't want to. My mother then said, "I was going to ask Russell, but hes doing his hw." What bothers me is that PL is right there and my mother can very well ask her instead of me, but has this bias against males and always wishes upon them to do more work. If I refused, she would get upset with me, yet when PL refuses, she only smiles and does nothing. Such a hypocrite. So that is one issues. Another is that PL, knowingly aware that I am doing my hw, does not consider my wellbeing enough to go and move the car. She could easily help me out by doing some of the work my mother so conveniently wishes to force onto me, but no, she is too much concerned with the damn show. So there I am, doing my hw, overhearing this take place. I'm trying to focus on this since I am already falling behind on Japanese. I don't know how I got this C and even thinking about it frustrates me. I CAN NOT GET LESS THAN A B. This stupid prerequisite is hurting me badly. The dumb choice I made to learn japanese is also hurting me. I loved the language and was sooo fasinated by the culture, but this class has just made me cynical and uncaring of anything japanese. I wouldn't mind the difficulty if my teacher didn't assign soooo much homework. I wish she didn't place so much emphasis on doing things perfect. We are trying to learn a language for our enjoyment. She is taking the fun out of it and just making us hate it. This is why people who finished this course no longer remember the language. Because they are fed up with it. And now here I am, so many priorities and things to do. I need to prepare for two classes and at the same time continue working on my business idea. I need to get this up and running so I won't be a failure. This is the most opportune time to accomplish my idea due to the various amounts of support I can get from the school. I wish I could just work on it nonstop, but at the same time I am afraid of that inability to maintain working on it for long periods. I want to relax and not focus so much on specific tasks, but I have this internal conflict that tells me that this is my purpose and that I have to do it. Nothing seems to come easy for me. Life is just one big struggle. The good thing is I don't think I mind the struggle too much in this field.

So I made PL cry today because I was holding her back from leaving. I did that because I was so angry on her inconsiderate nature and I needed to know why she continues to act in that manner. I want her to see the errors of her ways, yet I know that holding her back and blocking her path is not the correct way to handle it. It is just that when there is a problem, I need to immediately solve it so I can feel good again. If not, I just simmer in the frustration of having to continuously think about it. I can't just let things go.  I know other people have no trouble with letting things go. This inability of mine presents a character of being needy to other people. To me though, it seems like the only way to prevent this is to not care. I can not stop caring. It is not my nature. It eats away at me and the longer I do nothing, the stronger my urges get in wanting to fix the problem. I hate this about myself since other people are not the same, yet I see the benefits in this.

I was supposed to put gas in PL's car today.
I am supposed to begin work on the study guide for global issues.
I am suppose to begin writing my topic proposal.
I need to look into those internship opportunities that my teachers sent me.
I need to study more for japanese and prepare for every test/quiz/exam that comes forward.
I need to get more manufacturers on my list and begin preparing a generic email to send to the mfgs. so they can accept me as a buyer.
I need to begin thinking of a website structure and what functionality i need in it.
I need to clean my room.
I need to buy Pl's present.

I feel like I am going crazy because of the things I have to do. Not so much that it is alot of things, because really it is only a little. It is just the amount of effort to accomplish the tasks and in the amount of time I want to finish them. Time is too short, and even shorter due to my several things: my necessity of having 10 hours of sleep, my inability to maintain continuous focus on work for long periods of time, my  useless need to want to do fun things. I could think of more but it is getting late now and I should sleep to get at least 9 hours before tomorrow. I wish I had adequate help in life from a partner.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Ok, obviously it has been awhile since I last posted here, and my counselor said it would be good to type out what may be on my mind. So many things, even within the last week, have happened. Even now I feel exhausted to reality. This might be due to me just finishing PT, or it might be a culmination of everything. One thing is for certain, I did get too overwhelmed Monday and I did snap. Well, not just Monday, but also Saturday after work. I just couldn't deal with everything. It seemed like the rude and obnoxious customers and my car breaking down on me just tipped me over the edge. That amount of rage is scary. It seems so hard to control, but thank god Eric came in time to calm me down. I never really saw me be that enraged before. That run and walk really helped me. And not to mention it helped to further strengthened the bond between me and Eric. I was fine Sunday, but sadly, what we did to calm me down on Saturday didn't fix the ever apparent problems. I snapped before going to school on Monday. I just felt overwhelmed with life and didn't want to do anything. At first, PL didn't realize that my insisting for her help was legitimate. It was only until I started to cry did she realize the extent of my problems. Shes a bit more understanding now, and realizing that I can no longer have to be as focused on her problems. She even took the measures to help us out financially. I can't believe she found a job that quickly. Well, I'm getting tired of feeling like this. I don't know what it is. Might be a general dislike for doing anything that holds responsibility. Sadly again, I'm forced to do these things so my future will be stable and well-off. That thing is ROTC. But now it is taking much of my time and I am not doing so well in my academic studies. This is all due to the upcoming field training which all 200s and 250s in ROTC are preparing for. I need to a slot to participate and continue on my military career. If I don't, I'll have to figure out a new career plan. This is something I really don't want to do. But, now ROTC is interfering too much with my classes at GSU. I have three classes, each of which have different priorities in my mind. Japanese being the highest, Global Urbanization is second, and Global Issues is last. I spend more time doing my Japanese studies than the others. I barely spend any time preparing for Global Urbanization, and even less for Global Issues. Well, just recently I missed a  important exam for Global Issues because I wanted to go home to do something I wanted. I never get time for myself, and I thought that this time would be fine. I thought it would do me good to relax a little. Well, I seemed to have been wrong. That and a combination of other things. General confusion over the syllabus dates and irresponsibility on my part for keeping track of things. I somehow managed to get the professor to allow me to take the exam the next day, but he only allowed me to get a maximum score of a B. Well, I didn't study for this exam since I didn't prioritize the class, and I don't have the book. The exam is worth 15% of my overall grade. I made an 11.7. That is all my fault, but I can't help think back to certain situations in class, when I first attended, how there was a little conflict between us. Nothing major, but enough to make me look unfavorable within his eyes. This isn't a good thing and could cause any kind of leniency that he allows others, to not be given to me. On the test, one of the last questions is a opinion based type of question. Unless you stretched your imagination greatly, I couldn't imagine you getting it wrong. This type of question is either right or wrong base on the professor's opinion. I can't imagine my answers to be that wrong. So now I am suspecting that him grading my test was somewhat bias. I'm going to ask for a copy of my exam so I can see his grading. I need to approach this in a way that doesn't exacerbate any tension between us. I must pass this class with at least as B so my parent's money isn't wasted in vain and my GPA doesn't lower.

So this is where I am at. I'm reevaluating my priorities so that I don't completely screw up in school. I'm going to have to change the time spent on ROTC related things. I already told my boss that I can only work one day a week. Good thing I don't have to worry about finances since PL is also going to work. This puts a little bit of stress off of me. But now I seem to have gotten to a point where I am tired of doing anything. I don't want to study. I am tired of putting effort into ROTC. Especially considering there might be a chance that I don't get a Field Training slot. I don't care about any of my classes. I just want a break from everything. Sometimes I think that this isn't much and I might be making too much of a big deal about this. I don't really know. But I know for certain that I am tired of all of this. Is all this suffering worth what will come at the end?

In the previous session with Kevin, he showed me the results of the small questionnaire that I took prior to getting assigned a counselor. It stated that, in comparisons to my peers and overall emotions, I was primarily depressed. This came as shock to me since I never considered myself to be depressed. When he told me, I felt like crying. I don't know whether that was from the sadness from hearing my father's news on the prognosis of his cancer, or if it was that someone broke some barrier that I put up. Since that day I've been trying to explain it. The best explanation I could come up with is that I just might possibly be depressed. I can best describe it in an example. If someone is not told what something is, does he truly know it exists. Of course, this can't be applied to objects we encounter in everyday life. But this can be applied to emotions. I knew depression existed, but the basic definition that I deduced from life didn't include the feelings I felt. When I was alone and secluded, I did not know there was a better life out there. I didn't know that my state that I lived in was depressing. During that time I was angry. I didn't know where the anger was stemming from, and I concluded at that time that it came from my hatred for the negative state of humanity. Now I can see that it came from that condition I lived in. This would make sense to why I didn't feel feelings of sadness. The feelings of sadness are there to let us know that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. I never got those, only feelings of anger. The same thing can be seen now, where I was beginning to be angry. It wasn't only until Kevin revealed that I may be depressed did the feelings of sadness began to emerge. After I allowed it to flow, did I begin to feel much better. So of course it is a good thing. But, life doesn't fix that easily. My problems still exist and continue to torment me and stress me. So, i eagerly await some advice on what to do. Until then I push forward hoping I don't break again or much worse, damage myself irreparably in some way. 

Sunday, January 9, 2011


I am uncertain the way I handle or do things are correct. Much less for things I already have skill in such as the areas that use the technical and analytical side of my brain. When situations arise that require those areas, I feel more confident in my ability to do/handle it properly, such as when I am working on a vehicle. Although, the confidence level differs depending on whether the vehicle is of someone I am close to. I rather not work on someone I do not know very well because I fear that I may mess something up and cause them to not be able to drive to either work or whatever responsibilities they hold. I don't want to be responsible for something of great importance like that. Even though I may be entirely capable of handling such situation, my fear holds me back from accepting such responsibilities. So I fear responsibility, and I lack self assurance. Because of this, I do not have enough confidence in many of life obstacles.

So this is what I've been feeling lately. I think this is the base of all my faults and problems. Everything else stems from here. I am glad that I wrote this blog. I can catalog each of the problems that arise. I wonder if it would be a good idea to show this to the counselor I will be seeing. I'll remember to ask this when I do meet with one. Of course that fear of allowing someone to get to close and having them know my deepest secrets scares me. Trust is the one thing I can't give away freely. This world is horrible and there are horrible people out there who will take advantage of such things. I can give it away in moderation, but I can never give 100% of it to someone. No one has 100% of my trust. No one knows 100% about me. This is for the best. So what I think I might do is just give snippets of my blog to the counselor. Edit it to suit my lack of trust for others. But, this still paints a false picture of my true self. And if they do not know who I am completely, can they help me? But the question that remains is do I truly need help? I think what I will do is gauge the techniques they use and determine several things. If they can be trusted and to what level. If they can really help me 100% or rather assist in a lesser way.

Time to eat, then go to work. This is my life. I hope I chose well.