It is 1:30 in the morning now. I was unable to sleep since I had to many things racing through my mind. It always seems as if I can't stop my brain from thinking of something. I literally have to clam myself and think of a "happy place" where my mind can be at ease in order for me to fall asleep. To be honest, I didn't try that technique this time since I wanted to type out what I was feeling for many reasons. Primarily so I could have a record of them, so others could possible read them, and I thought it might help me feel more relaxed. This pretty much was the result of a number of times, but the main encompassing factor is my disdain for others. I know that what I am about to type will sound extremely goth, dark, pessimistic or whatever other unacceptable category society places. In no way do I associate with those things, although I possibly do have a pessimistic view on things at times. My stepfather called me an existentialist when I was describing a situation where I felt extreme disdain for actions by individuals and the situations that life presented him. He also said I was empathic but saw the world in an existentialistic point of view. I completely forgot what philosophical theory that referred to. It seems funny since usually when I have an interest in something and I don't know about it or have forgotten, I would google it and do a little research so I can be a little informed on it. It brings me joy to read up on random facts and understand a little bit more of the unknown world. Too bad there is no job out there that pays for such a thing. But even if there was, I would refuse to do the work since I hate when I HAVE to do things. I rather just do them if I feel like it. I don't know if that is disdain or just lethargy.
It took me 9 minutes to write that. I had to fix some spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. Although I bet there are more. Well onto the reason I decided to write this. Her. I rather not write (type?) her name. She has "mad stalking skills" and could easily find this if I leave enough clues. I'm trying to be as anonymous as possible (I am sooooo surprised I spelled 'anonymous' right on my first try since I had so much trouble with that word when I was younger). She would be hurt to see the things I wrote about her. The unfiltered remarks/thoughts/emotions I have toward her. But they are my true feelings and I have to release them somehow. I don't know if it is the recent events of a counselor or the internet telling me that 'what I have been going through' is a heavy weight to carry and 'I need to talk to someone about it' since they said so or rather that it is becoming too much to bear and I really do need to talk about it. Whatever the reason may be, I am here taking the first step hoping that it will allow me to understand myself more, calm me down and allow me to be happy. And I am not saying 'calm me down' as if I am angry. To be honest, (I am saying to be honest alot) I am not angry. I feel a sort of disdain (another word I keep using) for her. I am not certain if I love her, but I am sure that without her, the crippling, frightening, insanity-making loneliness will come. I do not want that under any circumstances.
Ha! I keep looking at the time every 10 minutes. I wonder if that is the same reason I always seem to notice 11:11 or 1:11. My biological clock knows when its that. I really hope its not related to ghosts or something bad, like someone scheming against me. I really hope its nothing or something good. Anyways back to the subject. Her. So far I established that I need her to combat loneliness. Selfish? Possibly. I don't care if it is. Another reason I need her is fear of growing old with someone ugly or just not pleasant to look at. Why does this matter to me? I've seen so many instances of people I know living with their significant other who does not look good at all. Shallow? Possibly again. But once again I don't care. I see those people, and I get this feeling that they are unhappy. Unhappy with the person they chose to be with. Unhappy with their life because they have to look at this person constantly. I want to grow old and have something pleasant to look at. But a problem as been arising lately. I know she is pretty, but I don't find her attractive. I don't get the same pleasure I used to get from seeing her naked. Its not to that its completely gone, because its not. When I feel aroused, I do get pleasure from seeing her naked, but it only lasts for a little. The last time we had sex, I was horny and aroused by her, but it lasted a little. I wonder if that is the reason for my not being able to last longer anymore. Is it I just don't care subconsciously anymore? Is it that me seeing her constantly took away my ability to last? Would I be able to last with someone I've never seen naked before? I don't know.
Ok I guess my biological clock isn't 100% accurate. It would explain me not always seeing 11:11 for each time it appears. Or that no one is thinking of me at that moment. But, if that was the case, then someone is thinking of me at the same time different days? Unlikely. Hmmm what is my fear? My fear is being inadequate Not smart, weak, ugly, etc. I do things to help me succeed in those areas, but I don't feel like I am actively doing them or rather not doing them with great effort.. I exercise, but I haven't exercised since about 2 weeks ago. Plus I feel like I am going no where. Sure, I have gotten bigger and stronger since i weighed about 125lbs. But, for the length of time I have been exercising, other have gotten much stronger and bigger. I am doing something wrong. And it discourages me. What is the point? No matter how much I exercise, others will be stronger. No matter how much I exercise, am i destined to be this small or weak. No to mention I have to exercise FOREVER in order to maintain it. Even if I stop for a week, I feel so much weaker and skinnier. And I exercise for my looks, which also helps with my confidence. No exercising for a week and I get a decreased confidence. I really want to look good. I want girls to swoon and flirt with me just because of my looks. I get satisfaction knowing a girl likes me because of how I look. Now, that doesn't mean thats the only thing I want a girl to like about me. I also want them to love me because of who I am. On how I can keep their attention or relate to them. I want to be the most witty, charming, kind person ever. But, in social situations, I feel like I come out dull and boring. Not to mention the lack of conversation that comes from women that I associate with my lack of looks. I feel like they would WANT to talk to me if I looked good, and yet they don't thus I don't look good. And of course this goes away at times when I see my picture, or when some females do flirt with me. I know it can be related to how some find some attractive. Not everyone might find me attractive, in the same way that I don't find some attractive. But I feel like the numbers who refuse to talk to me are much much greater than those who do. MUCH MUCH GREATER. I had to emphasize there. I wonder if she feel asleep. I'm getting tired myself. I think ill write more later. For now my brain isn't thinking anymore. Too bad, while I was laying there it was thinking of some really ingenious things. My articulation is going out the window now too. I better stop before I start sounding like a cave man. Me (insert my name here). Me angry. Me tired. Me write funny things. Ok good night.