Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Ok, its been awhile since i last posted something. The most cliche thing to say,  I know. I don't want to give up this since I know it can be a good thing.. I just finished explaining to her that I want to do this, and I want no attempts by her to search for my personal medium to vent. I think she understood, but not without trying to make me feel guilty for reading her old diary and teasing her about it. I do feel bad, and I think the reason I did read it and not respect her personal boundaries was because I was a bit immature. I've grown immensely since I've met her, and since the past 5 years. I really associate the beginning of my "ascension" into my gradual adulthood since my experience at Nicaragua.

And That 70s Show completely took my focus and I've forgotten completely what my MO was on writing this. I remember having an epiphany while taking a piss on what would be the right mentality on having in order to "feel" more like an adult. You know, being more motivated in doing hard work, maintaining a more mature composure around others, and possibly being wittier.  I not sure what to blame for my lack of attentiveness and forgetfulness. Possibly the pot, possibly being raised in front of the television. Whatever it is, it did me wrong, and I am only beginning to learn the extent of the damage done to my being.

Well this is what has been bothering me lately. I am 23 years old. I still live at home. I still go to university as an undergraduate while others at my age have graduated already or have been graduated for  a couple of years. I don't hold any responsibilities at my job, nor am i or have been in a more prestigious position. I am unable to do jobs that require more, a la apex parts. Here I am, laying in her pink room. Not a fat ass (thank god I exercise, at least I'm not completely pathetic). But still, lazy and incompetent. Time for food, ill write more after.

Ok, I'm back. It was delicious although it was the rice based bread thing that I don't really like. It's the texture and the odd subtle taste it has. But, my hunger overran my taste buds, so everything turned out better than expected. Her grandma also cooked something new, it was a fish type of stir-fry or something similar to that. The taste reminded me of Chinese food and I commented on how well it would go with rice. Apparently thats what is supposed to supplement it. Now that we got that useless experience out of the way (I'm not saying eating is useless, but rather trying to explain what I ate just for the reason of transitioning my absence into this new block of text.) I told her that I was going to forgo masturbation as long as possible in order to test that it might increase my "time" in bed. Since the beginning of our relationship, I've substantially decreased in time the amount I can last. I have ideas to why may be the reason behind it, but to be honest, I don't have a clue. I was thinking that I last longer as long as I have the passion to back it up, and as a relationship progresses, you lose passion to compassion. While that is necessary in maintaining a good, healthy relationship. It isn't good on my behalf, because I lose interest in sex. I lost interest because seeing them naked is no longer a mystery combined with excitement. I no longer try my hardest to maximize their pleasure. Rather, I'm more and more seeing it as a small event that I do in order to get rid of the lingering feelings of arousal.

Note to self, go back and proofread everything. (yes its alot to read, but when you read back on this sometime in the future, you don't want to feel bad about your past for being illiterate and ungrammatical.)

So I took a break to read that small section on my insecurities on our sexlife, and she responded that it isn't a big deal and I should let it go. I suppose i'll try. Just thought of something. I've tried hard for awhile now to improve my vocabulary and my writing skills. I've come along way, but I still feel as if I haven't reached the point of perfection or at least academic perfection with my research papers. I have come along way from my earliest papers, but I still am not there yet. After about 2 years of writing, I still lack something. I attribute it to missing areas in my vocabulary, writer's block mixed with A.D.D., and small grammatical errors. But, I've come to a realization that my writing ability now is absolutely great for blogs or something of that sort. In my mind, writing for blogs is somewhere between complex research papers and the easier high school essay. It feels good to be able to measure and find areas I can apply my newfound writing skills. Every once in awhile, she lets me know how she misses the excepts of my life that I used to write in Livejournal. I have to admit too, they were interesting, yet full of those errors I explained earlier, but in a much worse fashion than this. I've become more relaxed in writing here, I don't find it hard to let it flow. I wish I would be like this in real life interaction with others. God how I hate blanking and not finding things to say. That awkward silence kills me. I know I am witty, or at least its buried in there somewhere. Deep in there. I'm trying to find ways for it to come out more so to speak. I guess I found a good medium for just that. BLOOGGGGING!!!! I have her to thank for introducing this website and the act of blogging to me. Thank you. Now lets hope I can maintain this ability to live within the moment and respond successfully and (i dare say) witty to my families questions and statements. I'm going to take a break now. Bye for now.

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