Thursday, February 10, 2011

Ok, obviously it has been awhile since I last posted here, and my counselor said it would be good to type out what may be on my mind. So many things, even within the last week, have happened. Even now I feel exhausted to reality. This might be due to me just finishing PT, or it might be a culmination of everything. One thing is for certain, I did get too overwhelmed Monday and I did snap. Well, not just Monday, but also Saturday after work. I just couldn't deal with everything. It seemed like the rude and obnoxious customers and my car breaking down on me just tipped me over the edge. That amount of rage is scary. It seems so hard to control, but thank god Eric came in time to calm me down. I never really saw me be that enraged before. That run and walk really helped me. And not to mention it helped to further strengthened the bond between me and Eric. I was fine Sunday, but sadly, what we did to calm me down on Saturday didn't fix the ever apparent problems. I snapped before going to school on Monday. I just felt overwhelmed with life and didn't want to do anything. At first, PL didn't realize that my insisting for her help was legitimate. It was only until I started to cry did she realize the extent of my problems. Shes a bit more understanding now, and realizing that I can no longer have to be as focused on her problems. She even took the measures to help us out financially. I can't believe she found a job that quickly. Well, I'm getting tired of feeling like this. I don't know what it is. Might be a general dislike for doing anything that holds responsibility. Sadly again, I'm forced to do these things so my future will be stable and well-off. That thing is ROTC. But now it is taking much of my time and I am not doing so well in my academic studies. This is all due to the upcoming field training which all 200s and 250s in ROTC are preparing for. I need to a slot to participate and continue on my military career. If I don't, I'll have to figure out a new career plan. This is something I really don't want to do. But, now ROTC is interfering too much with my classes at GSU. I have three classes, each of which have different priorities in my mind. Japanese being the highest, Global Urbanization is second, and Global Issues is last. I spend more time doing my Japanese studies than the others. I barely spend any time preparing for Global Urbanization, and even less for Global Issues. Well, just recently I missed a  important exam for Global Issues because I wanted to go home to do something I wanted. I never get time for myself, and I thought that this time would be fine. I thought it would do me good to relax a little. Well, I seemed to have been wrong. That and a combination of other things. General confusion over the syllabus dates and irresponsibility on my part for keeping track of things. I somehow managed to get the professor to allow me to take the exam the next day, but he only allowed me to get a maximum score of a B. Well, I didn't study for this exam since I didn't prioritize the class, and I don't have the book. The exam is worth 15% of my overall grade. I made an 11.7. That is all my fault, but I can't help think back to certain situations in class, when I first attended, how there was a little conflict between us. Nothing major, but enough to make me look unfavorable within his eyes. This isn't a good thing and could cause any kind of leniency that he allows others, to not be given to me. On the test, one of the last questions is a opinion based type of question. Unless you stretched your imagination greatly, I couldn't imagine you getting it wrong. This type of question is either right or wrong base on the professor's opinion. I can't imagine my answers to be that wrong. So now I am suspecting that him grading my test was somewhat bias. I'm going to ask for a copy of my exam so I can see his grading. I need to approach this in a way that doesn't exacerbate any tension between us. I must pass this class with at least as B so my parent's money isn't wasted in vain and my GPA doesn't lower.

So this is where I am at. I'm reevaluating my priorities so that I don't completely screw up in school. I'm going to have to change the time spent on ROTC related things. I already told my boss that I can only work one day a week. Good thing I don't have to worry about finances since PL is also going to work. This puts a little bit of stress off of me. But now I seem to have gotten to a point where I am tired of doing anything. I don't want to study. I am tired of putting effort into ROTC. Especially considering there might be a chance that I don't get a Field Training slot. I don't care about any of my classes. I just want a break from everything. Sometimes I think that this isn't much and I might be making too much of a big deal about this. I don't really know. But I know for certain that I am tired of all of this. Is all this suffering worth what will come at the end?

In the previous session with Kevin, he showed me the results of the small questionnaire that I took prior to getting assigned a counselor. It stated that, in comparisons to my peers and overall emotions, I was primarily depressed. This came as shock to me since I never considered myself to be depressed. When he told me, I felt like crying. I don't know whether that was from the sadness from hearing my father's news on the prognosis of his cancer, or if it was that someone broke some barrier that I put up. Since that day I've been trying to explain it. The best explanation I could come up with is that I just might possibly be depressed. I can best describe it in an example. If someone is not told what something is, does he truly know it exists. Of course, this can't be applied to objects we encounter in everyday life. But this can be applied to emotions. I knew depression existed, but the basic definition that I deduced from life didn't include the feelings I felt. When I was alone and secluded, I did not know there was a better life out there. I didn't know that my state that I lived in was depressing. During that time I was angry. I didn't know where the anger was stemming from, and I concluded at that time that it came from my hatred for the negative state of humanity. Now I can see that it came from that condition I lived in. This would make sense to why I didn't feel feelings of sadness. The feelings of sadness are there to let us know that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. I never got those, only feelings of anger. The same thing can be seen now, where I was beginning to be angry. It wasn't only until Kevin revealed that I may be depressed did the feelings of sadness began to emerge. After I allowed it to flow, did I begin to feel much better. So of course it is a good thing. But, life doesn't fix that easily. My problems still exist and continue to torment me and stress me. So, i eagerly await some advice on what to do. Until then I push forward hoping I don't break again or much worse, damage myself irreparably in some way. 

1 comment:

  1. Well in the meantime you're doing pretty much what I'd advise, just pushing through and doing what you can. If it becomes too much to bear again, take a day off from everything. Stay with someone out of town, get away for a bit. At least, if doing so won't compound your problems.