Sunday, January 9, 2011


I am uncertain the way I handle or do things are correct. Much less for things I already have skill in such as the areas that use the technical and analytical side of my brain. When situations arise that require those areas, I feel more confident in my ability to do/handle it properly, such as when I am working on a vehicle. Although, the confidence level differs depending on whether the vehicle is of someone I am close to. I rather not work on someone I do not know very well because I fear that I may mess something up and cause them to not be able to drive to either work or whatever responsibilities they hold. I don't want to be responsible for something of great importance like that. Even though I may be entirely capable of handling such situation, my fear holds me back from accepting such responsibilities. So I fear responsibility, and I lack self assurance. Because of this, I do not have enough confidence in many of life obstacles.

So this is what I've been feeling lately. I think this is the base of all my faults and problems. Everything else stems from here. I am glad that I wrote this blog. I can catalog each of the problems that arise. I wonder if it would be a good idea to show this to the counselor I will be seeing. I'll remember to ask this when I do meet with one. Of course that fear of allowing someone to get to close and having them know my deepest secrets scares me. Trust is the one thing I can't give away freely. This world is horrible and there are horrible people out there who will take advantage of such things. I can give it away in moderation, but I can never give 100% of it to someone. No one has 100% of my trust. No one knows 100% about me. This is for the best. So what I think I might do is just give snippets of my blog to the counselor. Edit it to suit my lack of trust for others. But, this still paints a false picture of my true self. And if they do not know who I am completely, can they help me? But the question that remains is do I truly need help? I think what I will do is gauge the techniques they use and determine several things. If they can be trusted and to what level. If they can really help me 100% or rather assist in a lesser way.

Time to eat, then go to work. This is my life. I hope I chose well.

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