Ok. a precursor. I am on shrooms.
So far it seems like i reverted to my childhood state of mind while still being able to maintain the capacity to analyze it from an outside perspective. I am able to see life for what it is. No purpose. What is the real purpose of life other than to stay alive. This was my feeling of when I was a child, about the age of 5-12. This typically became of my mental state during summer break where there were no expected things to come of me. I was able to release my mind from the constraints of my schooling and was free to do whatever I wished. Which typically entailed staying at my grandmother's house watching television for hours on end. No outside interaction other than the constant yelling for my grandma whenever I wanted a drink or something to eat. This obviously is not a proper way to live, yet I clearly lived it in my childhood.
So as I lay here, during my adulthood summer break and a break from the workweek, I remember the feeling of no real caring for the future. A slight desire for change, but not finding the actual willpower to break free from my bubble or my invisible comfort zone that retains me so well. Even now I am stuck here, and it is only because of the mushrooms am I able to analyze my life from an outside perspective. Only because of the shrooms can I see that I need to change my life from what it is. But to what? Is there something better I could be achieving? Is there something worth the effort? I lay here, no real responsibilities. Useless. I understand my uselessness now since I couldn't as a child. But now, will I do anything about it? Or will the thought of too much work involved for such a task repel my thoughts? Please someone help me. I have made change since I was a child, but even now, it remains good, but tell me, can it be better? Should I be working harder to maintain this happiness? Or for this happiness, nothing can be done as it is just for this moment and I should bask in it. I am growing older. And I am afraid.
I think to the idea of what is a proper childhood. Is there such a thing? Where someone can have the perfect experiences as to mold them in the future into become a well developed, had working individual. What events are necessary to gain the perfect traits for our reality? What are the perfect traits that we seek? Ability to get along with everyone (extroversion), can maintain family relationships well, is academically smart, is physically strong, creative, good looking, Why can we or even I be this? The world is full of imperfections. I see this everyday. What is perfect? We understand beauty when we see it, but given the lack of visuals, must understand it rarity. The common man appears much more often. Is he not the idea of perfection we seek since he appears so often. Yet we can point out his flaws. Is our understanding of his flaws only applicable to our time? Would his flaws be considered beauty in another age?
Where is my mind? Am I losing it not just for the side effect of the mushrooms but even the thought of wanting the mushrooms in the beginning? Why do I wish to do such things to myself? I understand this consumption shows no ill effects other than a change in state of mind, but it is understood that such things are not desirable to all. So why the decision on my part? Am I that unhappy with reality do I choose an escape from it all? My reality is not that bad, yet compared to others it may be. At the same time, it could be understood that it could be worse. Why can I not just be happy in my place?
I hope I may make sense, at least to some. It is through connections with others are we able to valid our thoughts.
I can get whatever I want because I work. Through my wages am I able to purchase any amount of pleasure I so seek. Yet there are still restraints to what I may buy or do. Whether it be for my health, or my responsibilities. From this idea, my personality grows.
I must sleep.