Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Well I haven't posted in awhile. Partly due to me having finals and just allowing myself to gradually rest. I cut back from doing many things, to almost nothing at all other than work and exercise. It has been a good couple of weeks since classes stopped. Went on vacation with my lovely gf to Hilton Head, NC. She has never been allowed to sleep a night with me alone since her family is strictly traditional, but somehow they warmed up to me and gave her permission to go on this trip. It was wonderful too. I never slept with her overnight, so it was a real experience for me. I never slept with anyone overnight before either. It feels great to fall asleep to someone you love, then wake up the next morning with them beside you. This got my really thinking of working extra hours to save up money for an apartment for the two of us. Nothing would make me happier than for her to be around me constantly.

So I've been pretty much been bumming around other than for work. I took some ASE test before we went on vacation. Supposedly if I pass, I am eligible for a promotion and a significant raise. I feel that I performed well on the test, but I won't know until about a month. Until then, I'll just be wasting my life around relaxing and feeling genuinely happy doing nothing.

One thing I've been noticing is that my step-dad seems to have some grudge against me. Either that or life is just getting him down and he lashes out at anyone. While he doesn't have a temper or argues, he does seem to have a short fuse and small things anger him. Really it hasn't been bad or anything. I just wonder why and what things he is being bothered by.

Another thing that is getting me is what dictates my behavior and other people's behavior. There are so many factors that make up our identity, and some of these we have no control over. Everyone might share some of these factors, yet we don't all share the same. I know for me that testosterone plays a large part in my personality. This explains the constant yearning for exercising and the extremely high libido. While this is me, I rather it not be. My girlfriend doesn't share the same libido, and as a matter of fact, hers is much lower than average. So this doesn't seem to work out well for the both of us. Of course this leads to my having to make sacrifices on the amount of sex I want versus how much I actually have. I mind, but not terribly much. I learned to work around this of course, but I am beginning to tire of this state of mind. It affects my everyday life and my interactions with people. I have trouble understanding someone's personality through my interaction with them since sex is the only thing on my mind. This is how it feels at times. I rather be more witty and cunning, but, seemingly due to testosterone, my thoughts are only focused in one path. Of course, this isn't exactly how my interaction with different people occurs. It is just a predominant and reoccurring event. It is something large enough to warrant concern.  So my solution to fixing this is to forcibly limit my physical and mental state through use of willpower. If I get horny and I am alone, I won't try to masturbate. I am horny and with my gf, I will gauge her feelings for at least 10 minutes, before I decide to pursue her into bed. If all goes well with my limiting of my libido, it should lower and no longer dictate my thought processes. Hopefully from there, I will develop a better personality that I can be proud of.


  1. Will power can be a strong factor in change. It's hard to alter thought patterns, but can be done effectively if you work hard enough. Glad you had a good trip.

  2. Great blog! Enjoyable read!

  3. I also need to do some exercising

  4. Hope finals are going well anyway